On Knowing

For Jun, as penance for the absence :)

She could not tell you, for she herself was not certain, of the exact moment when she knew that she had fallen in love. Some may say it starts from a seed, and it breeds and feeds on your heart. And like a cancer - so powerless and subjected you are to its whims - it consumes you. ‘Love is a drug’ they say, ‘it leaves you wanting more’. Love is intoxicating, she agrees - the greater the dose, the more paralyzed you are.

Oddly enough, Love did not present itself to her with pomp and splendour. She in fact, did not even realize she was infected by it until later. She first saw him once or twice, even thought he was an agreeable man and all. But like all strangers, his presence was only fleeting, like a dry leaf that flutters so briefly in the breeze. No lurch, no butterflies, no syncopal pauses.

He didn’t even know her name, whilst she had heard his whispered when he left the room. They then started stealing glances, progressed to the odd nod or two, and one day,when they were stuck in a crisis situation at work, they exchanged a few words.He started visiting more often, they began to exchange work anecdotes, he started asking questions – initially clinical, and then personal. She started to find herself staring at the clock, waiting for him to come. And one evening,when she had struggled with a task, he whispered in her ear that he believed in her no matter what.

When it was time for her to go, there was no weeping, there were no tears. Only goodbyes. There was only silence as they looked at each other. They held hands in the stillness. And that look - she still remembered how his forehead crinkled, his eyes so warm – little would she know then, that it would be ingrained in her now.

It didn’t manifest itself so easily in the beginning, but it has left a permanent residue– longing that lies dormant, but awake when the night is quiet. The irony, for she must have only realised she was in love in the wake of its absence.